Coming In From The Cold
by EnforcerAndAccuserFan
Summary: Post Undercover. After revealing her very close call during her prison assignment, will Olivia allow herself to recover? Former oneshot now expanded. Minor correction in Chapter 2. Disclaimer: I don't own any Law & Order characters.
1. Chapter 1

Melinda looked at Olivia with the professional compassion--anything else, she knew, would repulse the detective. Selecting her words with care, she said: "There's no shame in seeking counseling, if you need it."

"I know, I know," Olivia replied quickly and quietly, nodding. "I…I…look, I need to go. When I get time…" She moved past the medical examiner.

"Olivia," called Dr. Warner. She waited as the other woman continued moving a few steps, then stopped and stood silently without turning around. "Please find time."

The detective exited quickly without a reply.

Hours later, Olivia found herself alone at her computer in a mostly deserted room. Elliot had gone home to his family, Fin and Lake had left to interview a victim at Mercy General Hospital, and Munch had left abruptly after receiving a cryptic telephone call from a "confidential informant." She didn't look up when Captain Cragen exited his office and walked over to her desk.

"Olivia?" He looked down at her with concern.

She continued to stare at the computer screen, fingers resting on the home row.

He tried again, slightly louder. "Olivia."

After a few seconds, she blinked several times and turned. "I'm--I'm sorry, Captain," she said, looking somewhat uneasy. "I…I didn't hear you…"

"Why don't we talk in my office?"

Once inside, with the door closed, Cragen pulled all the blinds shut before beginning. "Olivia, you need to take some time off to recover."

"Captain," she protested, shaking her head, "it's nothing I can't handle…"

"I timed you, Olivia," he interrupted firmly though gently. "You sat at your desk facing forward, doing absolutely nothing _for 15 minutes_ before I came out."

"I'm fine, Captain! I was able to interrogate that sadistic scum--I even got under his skin--and when the warrant was issued, I marched right back into that prison to arrest him! And that's not counting all the other work I've been doing!" Olivia was shouting now.

"And what about when you're _not_ busy?" the captain inquired. "Like right before now? And how well have you been sleeping?"

She looked away for a long moment, perturbed, then composed herself enough to say softly: "I'll get it together, sir."

"Not without help, Olivia," Cragen stated gently. "I know you don't like to ask for help, but this time you really need it--like any violent crime victim."

"I'm not a vic, Cap," she said, her voice louder this time, her eyes watery.

"But you _are_," he persisted, compassion in his eyes. "He beat you, tried to rape you, and he would have if Fin hadn't stopped him--and that's one reason why you're hurting now."

A single tear streaked her face. "It's—it's more than that," she whispered. "I'm a sex crimes cop. Women, children, and even men look to me for strength and guidance. How can I even face them…?"

"I know from my personal experience with alcoholism that takes a lot of strength to admit that you can't always recover on your own," he replied, "and how better to guide than by example?"

Touched and enlightened by his words, Olivia nodded slowly. "You're right," she replied through more tears. "Th-thank you, Captain. And…I'll do it. I'll take a week off, and I'll call Rebecca Hendrix tomorrow. If…if she isn't available, then…I'll ask for a referral."

"That's a great first step," Cragen said, placing a paternal hand on her shoulder. "Now, you'll have the support of everyone on the squad. We'll welcome you back with open arms whenever you're ready. And if there's anything else I can assist you with, don't hesitate."

She didn't. Olivia immediately moved into his arms, accepting his comforting embrace as she silently vented against his shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia remained in Cragen's arms for a considerable amount of time

Olivia remained in Cragen's arms for a considerable amount of time. First, she sobbed quietly against his shoulder, her arms clasping him tightly. Then, after a while, she managed to compose herself but continued to remain in the supportive embrace. Eventually, feeling fatigued, she thanked him and eased into a chair.

"How about I take you home now?" Cragen asked gently.

Red-eyed with a tear-stained face, Olivia put on her characteristic brave grin but faltered as she said: "Sure, thanks. I just need to wash my face."

Don watched her worriedly as she departed for the restroom.

Arriving at Olivia's apartment building some time later, she allowed the captain to accompany her to her quarters. _When_ _I was being stalked a few years ago, I refused Elliot's offer to escort. But Harris is __behind bars__, and I need Cragen to--_

"You know, Captain, you…" she began.

"Yes?"

"N-nothing." She shook her head and kept her eyes forward. So she didn't see Don's concerned glance.

Reaching her apartment, she unlocked the door and stepped inside confidently, inviting the captain to follow. The living room lamp near the easy chair was on as programmed. Turning on other lights, Olivia moved to the kitchen and prepared a cup of tea. After activating the microwave oven, she turned and remembered her guest.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Captain! What--can I get you something?"

"No, thank you, I'm fine, Olivia," he replied politely, walking over to carefully take her hands into his. "You need to get that tea down, and then try to get some rest."

"I will, Captain," she said, closing her eyes and nodding.

"Want me to stay overnight?"

"I…thanks, but I can manage," she said, managing a small smile.

"Please call if you need me for anything, _anytime_," he said soberly.

"I will, Captain Cragen," Olivia replied softly.

She walked him to the door, returned his soothing hug, and locked the door thoroughly after his departure.

**4:00AM**

Olivia sat up with a start and lunged at the night table to turn on the light. Turning her head, she scanned the room and found nothing amiss. Sighing, she faced the night table again--and was startled to see that her hand was on her gun. She then moved her hand to turn off the light but found herself becoming uneasy: what if she had _another_ nightmare?

_Maybe if I left the lights on--no, no! I'll be just like Harper__1__!_

Suddenly no longer sleepy, she decided to get up and keep busy somehow. Rising from bed, she searched her mind for an activity. _I could just do some quiet exercising in the living room--_

"_**--somebody's been working out!"**_

"No! Stop!" she shouted at her thought--and herself. She fled to the bathroom, closed the door (something she had never done when she was home alone), and stripped for a relaxing shower. But after stepping into the tub and turning on the water, she faced the nozzle with an uneasy feeling of déjà vu. _Stop it!_ _You're at home now, not at that hellish prison. You got through that shower back at the precinct without a hitch; why is this happening now?! _

After a few minutes, she decided on a course of action. She would go to her gym and exercise for a while. Then, after another shower (_I'm OK_) she'd grab some breakfast at her favorite diner and use her cell to call Rebecca. If she could fit her in, fine; if not she'd ask for someone who could. Satisfied with her itinerary, she turned off the water and exited the bathroom.

_Wait--my sneakers are in my locker at the 16. Oh, well, it's better that I get them now while no one's there. Otherwise I'd have to explain why I won't be around…_

**The 16 Precinct, 5:10AM**

As she expected, her coworkers were not at their desks. Olivia placed her gym bag on her desk and went to her locker. After retrieving her footwear and putting them in her duffle, she heard footsteps. _Please be someone from the graveyard shift._

"Hey, Olivia," Fin said smiling and rubbing his neck. "What up?"

"I just came for my sneakers, Fin," she replied, smiling to cover her discomfort. "I need 'em to work out. I take it you were in the crib?"

"Yeah, our latest case had me and Lake burning the midnight oil," he replied. "And we still have some phone calls to make come business hours. You're lucky to be taking time off."

"Wha--who told you?!" Olivia demanded, suddenly defensive.

"Whoa, whoa, easy, girl," the startled Fin responded, raising his hands. "No offense intended; I just figured that since you usually hit the gym on the weekend--"

"Yes, yes, you're right, Fin, I'm sorry." Olivia spoke quickly and contritely as she zipped the bag closed and hung it on her shoulder. "Listen, I…I have to go now. So, see you later." She turned to go.

"Olivia, wait." He sounded concerned, so, sighing quietly, she reluctantly faced him again.

"Look," he said compassionately, "hard time isn't easy for _anybody_, male _or_ female, even when you _don't_ have creeps like Harris as guards. _Nothing_ prepares you for the experience, except maybe being locked up before. And it's not uncommon for ex-cons to go through a readjustment period after they get out. So of course you're gonna be affected by your experienced."

He glanced around and lowered his voice before he continued. "I saw how you got it together when I came to back you up, Liv. You showed what you're made of. And his pathetic excuse2 showed what spineless stuff _he's_ made of. So you got _no reason to be ashamed._ If you need to take some time off, then just do it. Hey, if I were invincible, I wouldn't even be here.3"

"What do you mean?" Olivia inquired softly.

"I'll tell you another time," he replied, putting a fraternal hand on her shoulder. "Right now you need to concentrate on yourself for a change."

'…_for a change.'_ "Thank you, Fin," she said, blinking back tears. "You've…helped me a lot, already."

"That's why we're all here for each other," he said gently.

She gave his hand a squeeze between both of hers before departing. She had several hours before she could place a call to Dr. Rebecca Hendrix, let alone have a first session with anyone. But somehow she felt a bit lighter.

1 A female rape victim featured in Season One and Season Two. For at least six months after her attack, she couldn't sleep with her lights off.

2 When caught confronted by Fin, who indicated that Olivia was a cop, Harris said that he wouldn't have harmed her if he had known that she was a police officer.

3 In Season Two Fin confided to Munch that he transferred from Narcotics after his partner "took a bullet that was meant for me."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hale & Healthy Fitness Center, Manhatten, 5:45PM**

Olivia entered the gym with anticipation. _Now to work off some stress while I work_ up _an appetite, which I haven't had much of_--She frowned at that last part, slowing her pace. Then she hastened to the women's locker room.

Inside, she found an empty locker and began changing. Another negative feeling of déjà vu hit her, so Olivia focused her thoughts on the workout ahead. Thus, she was unaware of the furtive glances and double takes that her bruises were causing.

Some time later she returned, disappointed that soreness prevented her from performing her usual intense regimen. _What was I thinking anyway?_ She opened her locker and found a card that someone obviously had slipped through one of the vents. _Probably __another__ business card from __another__ hair stylist, tax accountant, or whoever. _Sighing, she looked at the card--and stared agape.

One side identified a law firm that specialized in family issues, and the other side gave the number for a battered woman's shelter.

Suddenly, she was outdoors, hurrying away from the gym. She didn't remember what she had done with the card, and she only had a fleeting memory of getting dressed. But she was aware of her humiliation, her anger--and her tears.

_This is crazy--I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't work out, I can't do my job--WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!_

Rarely had Olivia thought those words. Years of living with her mother's busy work schedule and alcoholism had given her self-reliance by necessity. Now suddenly, she was facing the worse emotional crisis of her life, and she had no clue as to what steps to--

"…_call Rebecca Hendrix…"_

She stopped short as she remembered her own words. Then she took a minute to compose herself before continuing towards home. Her problems lingered in her mind, but they seemed less oppressive.

**Office of Dr. Rebecca Hendrix, 10:15AM**

"…and after I spoke with Captain Cragen, I called you," Olivia concluded, halting her pacing for the moment. She looked towards Dr. Hendrix, who was still seated behind her desk. Realizing suddenly that she had rose from the seat in front of her former classmate1, the officer quickly sat down. _Well, here it comes. _She laced her fingers together and rubbed her thumbs together.

"Olivia, how do you feel about taking two weeks off?" Dr. Hendrix inquired.

The detective found herself laughing. "Am I that much of a basket case to you?!"

The psychiatrist maintained her professional solemnity. "You've experienced severe confinement, intrusive scrutiny, physical injury, emotional abuse, and that's _before_ the attempted rape, which gave you _more_ physical and mental trauma."

Olivia slammed her fist on her chair's arm. "_I __know_ _that!"_ she screamed. Then she struggled to calm herself. "I'm sorry, I was…I don't like being reminded…It's…it's not easy…" He voice broke at that point, and she bowed her head to weep softly. Quiet though she was, she didn't try to hold anything back. She silently accepted the box of tissues that Dr. Hendrix offered her and continued to cry for a while.

Eventually, she cleared her nose and wiped her face a final time. Looking at the patient psychiatrist with swollen red eyes, she completed her thought. "It's not easy for me to be a victim."

"Why not, Olivia?"

"I…I can't be seen as being weak," she explained. "It's important that I be seen as being a strong, competent person to the public, and especially to my brother officers. By that I do mean the men."

Dr. Hendrix nodded sympathetically, remembering her own days at the academy.

"I remember once, in the _late_ _90's_, the wife of a police officer was raped by her own husband," Olivia continued, "and his male colleagues supported _his_ side of the story!2 And some of the things that I've heard male officers say about some of female victims, you wonder why they work with us female cops!" She sighed, staring vaguely into space. "What will they say about me?" Her voice was almost a whisper.

"They will be outraged!" Dr. Hendrix firmly but professionally stated. Getting Olivia's attention, she continued. "Why? Because you're not an 'accusing wife,' you're not a civilian woman; you're a _cop_, just like them! Is that a double standard? Yes, it is! Is it right? No! Does it work to your advantage? Yes!" She paused, waiting to see what effect the words had.

Olivia, an enlightened expression on her face, nodded quietly. "Everyone will want a piece of Harris," she concluded.

"If another officer had been in the same position as you were," the other woman said, "would you feel any differently?"

"No!" Olivia, remembering the assault of Sergeant Smythe3, was adamant.

"Try to remember that," Dr. Hendrix adjured. "And as far as weakness is concerned--Olivia, it takes strength to confront your attacker face-to-face, as you did when you interrogated Harris. Also, you continued to work on the case, using your experience to help Ashley remember a crucial detail that will quite likely remove any reasonable doubt from the case. Does that sound like weakness to you?"

**Olivia's apartment, 11:45AM**

Swallowing the last of the muffin, Olivia washed it down with herb tea. _Well, that tasted good. I guess I'm starting to 'feel better all ready.' Not completely better, or even halfway better, but still--_

Her cell phone beckoned her. _And I think I know who--yes, it's Elliot. I could just not answer, --__but I must set him straight on this__._

"Hey, Elliot." Her tone was more casual than she felt.

"Hi, Liv," he said, his voice somewhat low. "How are you?"

"Just had a bite to eat," she responded. "How are _you_?"

"I'm all right, though I would like to know why my partner is taking time off," he answered lightly.

"Well, what did Captain Cragen tell you?"

"All he said was that you'd be back after two weeks. I'm…hoping you can tell me why." Elliot's suspicion was evident.

Olivia sighed silently before responding. "Elliot, sometimes we need to walk away. Remember back a few years ago when we started working that case involving that cult leader?"4

She heard a hard sigh. "Yeah."

"As I recall, Fin _voluntarily_ took time off because he felt he had to. Well, that's how _I_ feel now."

There was silence for long seconds. Then Elliot said resignedly: "OK, Liv, if that's what you want to do. Take care of yourself, OK? We'll see in two weeks."

"You take care _yourself_, partner," Olivia said, relieved that the conversation was ending. "I know that Eli's been running you ragged lately."

She could detect his smile as he said: "It's great kind of tired. 'Bye.'"

"'Bye, El."

1 Olivia Benson and Rebecca Hendrix had been students at the police academy together until the latter decided to become a criminal psychiatrist.

2 This occurred in Season Two; it was the second episode aired.

3 This attack occurred in Season Two.

4 In Season Six the detectives came upon a horrific scene of deceased cult children, whose leader had fled.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia's apartment, 7:30PM

**Olivia's apartment, 7:30PM**

"Sounds like you handled that well," Captain Cragen said hours later in the living room.

They were sitting on the couch having dinner. Chinese takeout was spread out on the coffee table, along with two glasses and a six-pack of mineral water. Dessert would be selected from the gift basket on the kitchen counter.

"I wouldn't have if it weren't for your advice," she said, picking up a won ton with her chopsticks. "I've told victims that they didn't have to disclose their rapes to everyone, and, so, when Elliot called, I lead 'by example.'" She took a drink of mineral water before continuing more quietly. "I'm not ready to talk about it, except to Dr. Hendrix."

"All the more reason to keep your appointments with her, Olivia," Don said solemnly.

"Oh, I am," the detective said, sounding stronger. "If I don't recuperate, how can I do my job? You saw that last night at the precinct. And I don't get help, who am I to tell someone else to?"

"I'm glad you're walking down the road to recovery, Olivia," Don said, setting his food down. Clasping her hands, he added somewhat urgently: "Remember, if you need me for _anything_, please let me know."

She squinted at him. "What is it?"

Sighing, he hung his head for a moment before answering. "Olivia, I…I _almost_ feel responsible for what happened."

"But, how could _you_ be responsible?!" Olivia frowned, genuinely puzzled.

"The cop in me knows I'm not," he said. "But…my caring side says that if I hadn't permitted you to go undercover, then you wouldn't have experienced any of the things you did."

"But Captain, you saw how much I wanted to go into Sealview!" she countered. "It was _my_ idea--and you were against it from the start!"

"Yes," he replied. "Part of the reason, I have to admit, came from my concern for you. But your reasons for going forward were correct, so against my personal feelings I OK'd it. Ultimately, we got results; we arrested a rapist-murderer and disrupted a prison drug pipeline. But I…" He looked away for a moment before continuing with misty eyes. "I almost feel like I set you up as a sacrificial lamb." His voice was breaking like it did when the night he'd described his pain from losing his wife Marge.1

Olivia was touched, her own eyes welling. Every so often, people referred to the captain as "Dad."2 His leadership style had a paternalistic quality. But he had never before demonstrated so much--no, not concern, _caring_.

"Captain," she said softly, "I _knew_ from the beginning that my job is dangerous. That's a simple hard fact of life. And I _knew_ what I was risking when I pushed for the assignment. (_Or did I?_) So don't blame yourself--blame Harris, blame any guard that looked the other way, blame the system that permits male guards in women's prisons, but don't--blame--yourself."

"You sound like Dr. Huang," he replied, smiling. "Yes, I did speak with him."

"Leading by example?" Now it was her turn to smile.

Don nodded. "Not only did he tell me to stop kicking myself, he even said that if I were to tell you about my self-recrimination, you'd tell me that it wasn't my fault."

"And he's right, too, on both accounts," she said, sobering.

"It means a lot to hear that," Cragen said gently, "it really does." He gave her hands a paternal squeeze before he continued. "Now that I'm feeling better, I want the same for you."

Encouraged by his support, she leaned into his arms and hugged him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered, "and don't worry about me--too much, Captain. I'll get it together."

When she felt his firm nod, she knew that this time he believed her.

1 During Season One she asked him one night why he was working late. He told her how he had learned about her death via plane crash and that he was working to prevent a drinking relapse.

2 Both Fin and Elliot have done so, the latter as recently as this past season's "Inconceivable."


	5. Chapter 5

_Special thanks to flapjacks for inspiring the main theme of this chapter._

**Apartment of Olivia Benson, 9:30PM**

"Hey, El, come in," Olivia said amiably, opening the door for the invited guest.

"Thanks, Liv," he said cheerfully. "It's been a while."

"I know. But come three days from now, I'll be back in the office." She went to the kitchen to pour decaf coffee.

After 15 minutes of catching up (Eli's baby antics, Sergeant Munch as a temporary partner, Elizabeth's piano recital, ring-shopping with her brother), they moved onto the main topic of conversation. She was sitting on the couch while he sat in the chair. This wasn't going to be easy, but thanks to time and therapy, it was possible.

"I know you still want to know why I took the two weeks off," she said seriously. "And I know it's necessary to tell you now, because I'm returning to work Monday, and I want you to have enough time to hear it, deal with it, and put it behind you. Otherwise, we won't be able to continue our partnership."

Elliot started to say something but stopped himself and waited for her to continue.

"First, Harris did make a futile attempt to rape me," she said, watching him frown darkly in response. Olivia waited for him to respond.

"I figured it was something like that," he said quietly, rage in his voice. "I mean, the way you were acting, and Fin being more tight-lipped than usual--how else could Ashley remember the mole on his penis?! You reminded her, didn't you?!"

"No, I didn't 'remind' her," Olivia clarified. "I told her to think about his penis, and she remembered the mole."

He sighed, leaning back in his seat. "Liv, if I had known--"

"You would have begged for a chance to interrogate him in the name of 'protecting me'--which I didn't need--and you would have probably done something everyone would have regretted," she finished for him.

Elliot, opening his eyes, smirked. "You know me all too well."

"Plus, facing him afterwards--back at the station, when we arrested him, at the M.E.'s--did help me somewhat," Olivia continued. "But, I needed more help. I didn't want to admit it initially, but Captain Cragen convinced me to seek counseling."

"From who?" he wanted to know.

"Elliot--"

He put his hands up in contrition. "You're right; it's none of my business," her partner said quickly. "I'm sorry."

Nodding her acceptance, she then continued more quietly. "My--the attempted rape wasn't the only reason I took leave. As much as I wanted to go undercover in Sealview, as satisfied as I am with what was accomplished, my overall experience affected me more than I had figured it would. I mean the constant scrutiny, the confinement, the rigid schedules, limited contact…" She paused with a faraway look for several moments and then shook her head slowly.

"When I was a kid, I did have it rough," she went on. "But I had reprieves--like when my mother was too busy to become drunk and abusive. And I had escapes--I went to school, to the library, to day camps, to the movies. But here, the hardships were everywhere 24/7. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that it was all just a temporary assignment, and one of my colleagues was there with me."

"I wish I had Fin's position," Stabler said.

Olivia couldn't resist a chuckle. "You wouldn't have lasted," she said. "All you needed to see was just _one_ inmate who reminded you of Kathy or one of your girls, and you would have gone off on the first fellow prisoner or guard who looked at her wrong."

He didn't deny it. "I think your shrink is starting to rub off on you," he said mirthfully.

"No, I'm just a good detective!" she replied grinning. They both laughed at her joke, and then she went to refresh their mugs.

"You were right, Liv," he said as he accepted his coffee.

"Right about what?" She stood before him.

"You were right not to tell me until now," he replied seriously. "I would have taken things too personally and got myself in a lot of trouble, all without helping the case. Thanks."

"You're welcome. And thank you for understanding." She clicked her mug against his.

He grinned while she took her seat on the couch. "May I ask a favor?"

"Maybe," she answered lightly. "What do you want?"

Soberly, he responded: "The next time Kathleen1 complains about her community service, may I tell her about...some of the _things_ you mentioned?"

**Epilogue**

The following Monday Detective Olivia Benson returned to work, where she was welcomed back without any questions. She went about her job without any feelings of guilt or fear for her professional reputation. And when she returned home later that evening, she found a grateful message from Kathleen Stabler.

She eventually pressed attempted rape charges against Harris, who was awaiting sentencing after pleading guilty to rape, murder, and drug charges. (Several of his colleagues, fearful of an impending state investigation, had approached D.A.'s office with incriminating statements attributed to the former guard.) Just as Dr. Hendrix had said, the courtroom was packed with supportive and angry cops, male and female. Also present was her half-brother Simon, who glared ferociously at Harris. When the shaken ex-enforcer stammered a guilty plea, the room erupted in applause. Afterward, many of the officers shook her hand or clapped her on the arm, admiring her courage (or "guts" or "heart") for her actions. Olivia was more than appreciative of the outpouring.

But when Ashley2, who was there with her foster parents, embraced her, the detective was moved to tears.

THE END

1 At the beginning of Season Nine, it was revealed that Kathleen had received community service for a DUI offense. She complained that college classmates had seen serving her sentence.

2 A 14-year-old girl whose inmate mother had been killed by Harris, she had been raped by the guard.


End file.
